I’ve come to a conclusion as I sat here today. I am more comfortable dealing with people with mental illnesses that with regular people. I don’t feel that I have much of anything in common with the average person, really. My life isn’t about getting up and going to work every day. It isn’t about paying the mortgage and sending the kids to college. It’s not even about doing the things in life that I want to do. It’s about survival. It’s about taking the lemons I have been given and making the best pitcher of lemonade I can under these circumstances. It’s about not coming undone on a daily basis and having my cheese slide completely off my cracker. It’s about not going crazy.
I don’t really know a lot of people with mental illness, personally. Most of my time is spent in the company of “normal” people. In fact, the only time I have really been around people that I knew for a fact were mentally ill was in the hospital. I have been hospitalized five times in my life and I have always felt right at home within the walls of the facility I was locked up in, finding a common ground with the other patients and their own individual little worlds. We all got along splendidly and I have learned much from listening to the stories that others have had to tell of their problems and the ways that they have come through them. I am thankful for the people that God has allowed into my life and those people sometimes only stay for a minute before they are shuffled off to their next stage in life. However, they may be gone but not forgotten.
I also haven’t been to church in forever. Part of it is because I don’t do well in crowded places surrounded by people I don’t know. I really don’t even spend a lot of time around people that I do know. But for this reason (and a few that I won’t mention) I have avoided the church environment for a good while now. I have also come to realize that I do not fit well with the average modern Christian either. I am sort of a misfit to tell you the truth, seeking God with all my heart but not fitting in all that well in any one place. The ultimate best thing for me would be to find a group of like-minded believers who also suffer with mental issues who I could fellowship with. That would be a total blessing to me but I don’t know how realistic that is in the near future. However, it is definitely something I am praying about.
So what am I to make of all this? And what is the ultimate point? Honestly, I don’t know that there is one. I am living in a strange world where my mind plays tricks on me but no one around me can relate. I have a desire to serve Christ and I am doing that through this blog and my online presence but I am limited in what I can do beyond that. Each day is a challenge that I must rise to meet in the power that the Holy Spirit gives me and I have committed myself to run this course for as long as the Lord gives me the strength to keep going. So that’s what I will do, not knowing what tomorrow holds or where it will take me. I only know that I feel completely comfortable in God’s presence and everything else will be taken care of if I just focus on Him. So that’s what I will continue to do, living my life in Christ, one day at a time.