I feel a little better today. My mood has been all over the place lately. I have been slipping and sliding between a normal mood and an apathetic and depressed mood on a daily basis. I struggle with motivation and this has been amplified lately beyond its usual extent, also. Today, though, things are a little better. Nothing major has happened to affect me either way. It just happens like that sometimes. My moods are a fickle sort of thing. They can change on a dime with little to no warning. It often comes out of the blue, and the psychiatrists call it mood lability. I just call it a crazy way to live.
Yesterday evening I got a text alert from the CVS inside Target, where I get my prescriptions filled. They send me text messages when I have something to pick up. I really appreciate this service because it’s hard for me to keep up with all the medications I take. However, I got the text at like 4:55 and the pharmacy closes at 5 on Saturday. So there was no way I could get there in five minutes and had to wait until this morning to go. I remembered that I had some meds to pick up and drove down there, only to arrive early. Apparently they don’t open until 11:00 on Sundays and I was there about ten minutes early. Luckily, there’s a bench right there next to the pharmacy so I just sat on that. I really didn’t feel like walking around the store while I waited. I get paranoid when I do that.
While I was out, I also went to QT, which is a gas station and convenience store chain here. They’re fairly new to our area and I am a big fan. It is my spot for soda. As I left and drove home, I noticed several white vehicles which typically make me feel like the CIA is following me. It really unnerves me when they have their headlights on because I feel like they’re beaming me with radiation from them. This is something I have had a problem with for a while and I deal with it pretty much any time I go out and drive anywhere. It was a minor thing today, though, as the cars didn’t stay behind me for very long, and I made my way home safely and without incident.
Once home, I checked my blog, which I do many times a day. I keep a pretty close watch on it and I also am following several other bloggers on here. I then decided to cut my hair and take a shower. This is pretty monumental because I haven’t felt like cutting my hair in over a month, at least. I haven’t showered in a week. I really have no motivation usually but today I was feeling a little bit more get-up-and-go so I took advantage of it and did what I needed to do. Motivation, or the lack thereof, is a big problem for me. It is not that I am simply lazy, as I am diligent and hardworking whenever I apply myself to anything. It is more of a mental thing, like something is blocking me from feeling whatever it is that sets a person in motion to accomplish a task. I deal with it as best as I can but I really don’t seem to accomplish a whole lot most days. I have a few things that I do out of habit, but it’s not much.
Now I’m doing laundry. I feel kind of like Superman as I look back on these things I am writing about. I don’t know what made me feel this way today as opposed to yesterday. Yesterday was a pretty rough day. But I will just be thankful to God for today and take advantage of it as much as possible. I feel like God knows when I am at a breaking point and is merciful, giving me a little boost when I am getting close to the edge. Maybe today is that little boost that I needed to get me over the hump. Either way, I am glad to be getting these things done. I feel bad sometimes like maybe I am just weak and lazy. Maybe if I were a stronger person I would be able to do more and get more out of life. These things tend to go through my mind when I am at my lowest point and only drag me down even further. I try and counter them with what I know from the word of God but I still struggle at times. Still, though, I keep fighting.
Maybe today is a fluke and tomorrow I will be back to the grind of depression. Maybe things will continue to look up for me. I really don’t know, as it could go either way. I do know that life goes on. God will still be with me regardless of how I feel and will continue to sustain me with His grace and love. I have no idea what I will be dealing with tomorrow, or even later today. I do know that whatever comes at me, I will deal with it like I always do: by trusting in the Lord. He is a strong tower and the righteous take refuge in Him and are saved. That is where I get my strength and He is the one who gets me through each day. So come what may, I will trust in Him.